The Wishful Thinking of a Lonely Dreamer
by Rei Hatsumo
Summary: It's not that she's bullied, it's just that they don't want her but they don't see it as bullying instead they see it as getting rid of unnecessary things. It's not that she has true friends, it's just something she can't let go. Then he changes all that.
1. Prologue

'_She's someone who is trapped within the hands of the past,_

_A fragile soul who may not last_

"_Can somebody help me?"_

"_Someone, anyone just set me free."_

**Wishful Thinking of a Lonely Dreamer**

_I feel like I am suffocating. My chest feels like it is keeps getting heavier each breathe I take in. I know what they are thinking. I know that I don't fit in. I know that… I wish I didn't know anything, I wish I was like those laid-back people…I wish there would be a friend whenever I feel like this: worried, guilty, sad, tearful and it feels painful._

_A warm hug…is all I need to feel better again. I wish I wasn't so independent, but then again I'm nothing at all. Why am I wishing this? I hate the looks they give me. Those smiles only to brush me off, not the encouraging ones, no, I never get those. I can only lock them away because I don't want it to change. Why? I want to become strong and adapt to things like any other human being, but I wonder why it is so hard to change? Why is it that they won't allow me to change?_

_Is it another rule for the universe, to not let a certain person change? But Even so, I want to be stronger even if I have to let some things go…_

What if it's not a form of bullying, it's just that they don't want you.

What if it's not friendship, it's a hand that you can't let go.

What if it's not them, it's you.

What would you do?


	2. Chapter 1: The Haunting

'_She's someone who is trapped within the hands of the past,_

_A fragile soul who may not last_

"_Can somebody help me?"_

"_Someone, anyone just set me free."_

**Wishful Thinking of a Lonely Dreamer**

**Chapter 1: The Haunting**

'_Mother, please. Father, please…stop it.' a brunette girl stood near the door way. A black-haired woman lay on the floor. A black-haired man stood near her, he was panting, and looking at the body that was lying there. She lied on the marble floor, so still and her usually rose-coloured cheeks were awfully pale that it seemed to challenge the white marble floor. He had this look, it looked so deadly yet so vulnerable and he began coughing…blood._

_The man withdrew a kitchen knife from his wife's stomach…_

_The girl could hear it, the soft sobbing whispers…of that man._

_He silently weeps for the loss of his wife and whispering 'it's her fault, it wasn't me…please spare me.' Those words were repeated over and over like a chant to beg forgiveness from the dead._

"_No, mama is alive isn't she? Dad, answer me!" she shouted, as she ran towards the body._

_Each step seems like she was entering a forbidden area. Each little step she took, the details took place. Before 5 steps were finished, she felt something had violently pushed her away, from her mother and towards the door where it seemed like the safest._

"_It's all your fault she died, you killed her. You Brat!" the man stood up._

"_No, you killed her Daddy." the girl stayed fixed in the very spot, 'why can't I move?' she wonders._

"_Don't you dare call me that, you spoiled brat." Each word came out like venom, paralysing her more and more and each word, he came with strides._

"_No, you're wrong. It's entirely _your _fault. She killed herself because of you." He kept beating her with painful blows._

"_But you are my Daddy right?" she looked up with tearful black eyes, and the man laughed bitterly…her father._

"_No, you are entirely wrong. We are the so called 'good citizens' of the community. We give charity to the weak and the lowlifes in this world. We gave you shelter, we gave you love and what payment do we get? A disobedient child who is selfish to the core, that's what." Each sentence he laughed and gave her more blows and doubled per sentence._

'_Please, god. Make it stop.' and a local gardener help fought the drunkard._

I shot right up from my bed, why had I just dreamed of it now? My panting was rapid and gasped for air…_I was suffocating, my chest feels heavy._ I saw how the girl looked…she had this betrayed look in her eyes, those clear eyes that were so full of innocence, trust and _happiness._ It's been stained by solitude, betrayal and misery. Yes, that girl who had been filled with the purity had now been emptied and tattered. I know her because she is me.


	3. Chapter 2: Betrayal part I

'_There was this one time you've helped me,_

_You were the one, who set me free,_

_Now I'm in this cage again…_

_Suddenly you never appeared before me again…_

_Where are you?'_

**Chapter 2: Betrayal I**

I stared into the ceilings, is today a school day or a weekend? It doesn't even matter anyways since no one would notice me anyway. I wonder what I've done wrong to deserve this, what exactly it is that made me this desperate and miserable. Maybe being innocent is a sin but then again I've heard that the world we live in is unfair from the start of the creation of time.

I really do have great friends but there is this nagging feeling that I'm some kind of unwanted child, maybe this child in me hasn't bloomed yet, into a strong that person I have always wanted to be. I will even wait for forever to come so I can have it. But a little piece of me says that forever is something I can never maintain.

_**At School**_

"Okay class, we seem to have one student missing…Mikan Sakura! Is she absent?" Narumi, the homeroom teacher seemed flustered and concerned about Mikan's recent attendance not that it is something new.

Rolled eyes, sighing, smirking and laughter responded the teacher, not Mikan. Mikan's so called 'great friends' just rolled their eyes and lazily sat in their seats as if there wasn't any care for the world.

"Ah-hem, so as I was saying. We have a new student…please enter!" no response, no entrance, no nothing…."I said you can come in Mr. Hyuuga!" Narumi's sudden shout seemed give a shock to some students.

"Shut your horse-trap you BAKA SENSEI!" the new student answered coolly and slammed the door open, all the girls went 'doki-doki' as soon as they lay their eyes on the bishi new student, well all the girls and maybe some guys too.

"As I was saying, Natsume Hyuuga will be joining us starting from now on. His father confirmed that he will stay in Japan until graduation and please help Hyuuga-"

"Oi, Baka-Sensei. I'm supposed to do the introduction."

"Suffer in this school as much as possible…" and noticed that Natsume took the seat of the absent girl.

Some all the girl shouted all at once 'You are so mean sensei!' and some guys too but other just rolled their eyes.

"Whatever, it's not like I'll even care about this crappy school…" little did Natsume know, that crappy school will change him for good and a certain girl as well.

After the first four lessons, Mikan came to school to find that her seat had been crowded by a flock of people, especially girls. _'Why is it stuffed like hell?'_ and Natsume will soon meet the seat of the girl who had been marked as absent.

"Excuse me." _good, I didn't stutter at all…_

Before she could blink, all eyes were on her and a fight commenced.

_**Natsume's POV**_

So annoying. Why are all these people crowding around me as soon as the lessons ended? Next time when it is break time, I'll run for a tree to eat on like the way I did in my previous schools. I guess some things never change…

"Excuse me." I might be wrong.

"How can help you?" I raised my eyebrows in interest, I guess it's not so bad letting the old man decide for me once in a while.

"That's my seat, so could you move please?" tough little cookie I guess, that's rare. Maybe I should play with her for a while.

"What's in it for me?" How funny, the look on her face turned red in a flash…I know I'm charm(ing)-

"Pardon, I don't quite get you because you don't get anything because it is _my _seat."

"I don't see your name on-"then she pointed at something on _my _desk.

"Look inside and there will be my name in permanent marker." Damn it.

When I lifted the top, something unexpected was written on it…

_**Mikan's POV**_

I knew there was something fishy about them…


	4. Part II

'_I can never stray far from your side,_

_You said that it'll be forever but you lied._

_Suddenly you just came out as anther person.'_

**Chapter 2: The Stereotypical People's match (PART II)**

_At the fields outside a group of boys were acting like monkeys around a 14 year old brunette girl, they were horrible. Making lots of noises and pulling her tails and some of them tugged her tails pretty painfully. As soon as she was close to tears, they stopped and just gazed at the girl near to tears._

_They tried to prevent the girl from crying but that only made more pressure and she started to weep. Two girls came into the scene, one had strawberry blonde hair and the other had jet black hair with blue tips of her bangs, the girl could see that each girl seemed unique._

_"You guys should stop it, pressuring the new girl and all…" they shooed the boys away by threatening to call the teacher, the one with strawberry blonde hair smiled first at her and introduced herself._

_"Hi my name is Lucy and this is Natasha. We're twins nice to meet you." The girl seemed awed by their presence._

_"M-m-my name is S-Sakure Mikan, nice to meet you." The girl felt half embarrassed that she stuttered half of her sentence and partly proud that she managed to keep a steady voice for the last few words._

_They shook hands, smiling._

I wouldn't believe they would do this to me but I knew that two friends in one day is just too suspicious. I could see that Natasha wrote 'Mikan Sakura slept with Ruka Nogi' while another scrawled was written in a pink glittery ink, which I recognized as Lucy's pen. ' Mikan Sakura is a whore.'

Now my image of a loner has now officially changed into a 'loner who feeds on men'. The thought of sleeping with my childhood friend sent my shivers, it sounds awkward and gross just by thinking about it.

"Well? What is it? Why aren't you moving?" I tapped my foot impatiently, as if everyone around me was erased from the world, I concentrated my anger at him, and still wishing that looks could kill.

"Are you sure you still want your desk back, Sakura Mikan?" damn right.

"Yes." I answered immediately; I stared at his red eyes, red eyes? Are those contacts?

"Let's have a little game, then shall we?" something smells fishy around here.

"What kind of a competition is it?" I raised my eyebrows in suspicion.

I could see that guy smiling; his eyes were gleaming with excitement and a little bit of interest showed in his eyes as well. His arms were folded neatly behind his back and leaning on _my _chair. I could feel myself get irritated every time he moved around on _my _seat. I could see him grin wider and wider and leaned more with his legs now resting on top of the desk. He had this smirk that he knew I was getting impatient and angry at him. Urrgh…stinky butt and a dirty desk, what more is there to be cleaned after this is over?

I traced my fingers around my bracelet that had flower-shaped jade pieces, still holding our eye contact.

"Dancing, singing and acting." Say what? That jerk, he's smiling like a Cheshire cat and did I mention that he looks like an idiot?

"Pardon me?" I gawked at him, they are all in my category called: "I suck at…".

"Don't act deaf. I know that you heard me."

"Is it one on one or do we need a team?" he raised his eyebrows I bet I gave him an idea of how to defeat me.

"Pick two people; come to the stadium tomorrow at two in the evening because it's a weekend." Now the major problem is who do I pick and my weekend is going to be wasted.

When break ended, I went to Geography. Wow, we watched a documentary of 'Man Vs. The Wild' the part where he survives in the desert, I looked around with the corner of my eye to find that Lucy and Natasha were snickering and gossiping, I guess they didn't notice my presence, at all today ( starting from break).

I wonder if they were talking about me and I had the strangest feeling that someone was watching me in the dark…Nahh, couldn't be.

The wallpaper were painted by me with warm colours of the autumn and lively summer, the carpet I chose was grass green, to have this summer feel around the room. Cat dollies were neatly lined up on my book shelf and photographs of a white cat were hanged.

I lied there on my bed, I stared at the ceiling. Those starry patterns showed my star sign, Capricorn, the sea goat. I heard that it was considered a 'feminine'. I wonder if Capricorn boys are 'feminine'. I also heard about this mythology that the goat god, Pan had been attacked by the monster, Typhon and drove Pan to the Nile. Part above the water remained as a goat, under it had been the form of a fish.

"I wonder if I was that goat that had been chased away because of my misfortune, maybe the Typhon that chased me away was probably my fate. To become a person that is half the person I had been." I mumbled under my breath; staring into my hand while holding it up towards the lights, my skin is still as rose coloured as ever.

I clutched on the covers of my blankets when I saw the wound of the past, I automatically remembered the pain. My ears started ringing and my head was spinningm then a black out.

"Mikan, a phone call from your friend. Mikan, wake up!" Sister Rosalie, I shot my body into a sitting position out of shock.

"Yes, Sister?" I was panting, I felt cold sweat trickling down my neck and my body seemed to pulse faster.

"He says you need to go outside, in front of the house so that he can meet you." My heart raced and my face felt hot and Sister Rosalie smiled at me.

"Thanks Sister Rosalie." I dashed towards the door.

"Ahhh, such sweet innocence that girl has." I felt guilty when I heard that, deep inside I felt dirty for killing someone but my excitement didn't die away yet.

The night's air was fairly okay, outside there was a black SUV. Then a pair of hands covered my eyes and the next thing I knew, I was laughing with the person already.

I really, really missed him because no one could replace how much fun he gives me because he really makes me feel like an important family member. I couldn't imagine us as a couple because he had been dating with a girl called Eli when he was abroad in Paris sadly they had to break up because he was going to stay in Japan until he finishes university or college.

"So how was your time with Eli? Was she hot?" I poked him by the ribs with my elbow and he coughed and I smiled wider and wider by the second.

"She was just a friend for your information and she's dating Devon now." I gaped at him.

"Devon?! I thought you told me that she hated him for a year and you said that he was into sluts!" he gave me a smile.

"Apparently people change you know and Devon just had a change with tastes."

"Tell me everything, NOW!" I hit Ruka every time there was a syllable and he told the whole thing in Ruka-style detail.

"You know I met this guy-"I saw him pale "he's a real jerk." He then looked relieved by my remark.

"Why?" Ruka's voice croaked, I wonder if he needs water because we laughed too much.

""He wouldn't give me my seat back!" I puffed my cheeks and crossed my arms and told him everything with every detail I could remember.

"Okay, so does this guy have a name or what?" oh, shit my turn to pale.

"I don't remember."

"Stop lying to me Mikan, you didn't go to school for the first four lessons right?" I bit the insides of my cheeks.

"Sorry sir, I, Sakura Mikan will never do it again _as long as you are in Japan_." Mikan whispered the last few words that and fortunately Ruka didn't hear and so they continued to talk merrily.

"Ruka, will you be in my team? And will you please try to convince Sora?"

"In one condition, give me a kiss."

Mikan looked blankly at Ruka and then regained back her happy-go-lucky self, Ruka seemed surprised b her reaction and then was kissed by Mikan on the cheek. Ruka blushed like a tomato.

"You almost had me there, I thought that you…nothing." She just smiled and said those words like normal Mikan but inside her heart was beating wildly and her face became rosy, Ruka on the other hand was the complete opposite.

The atmosphere became stiff and awkward. They were tired of standing and sat on the grass of the front yard, that night the constellation of Pisces, Capricorn and Sagittarius. It had been a wonderful sight indeed.

"Well, see you tomorrow at the competition; I'll bring Sora for sure!" Ruka winks at Mikan left without anything else to say because he felt guilt?

Mikan looks at the retreating blob-like figure and confirms her goodbye with sadness.

_MEANWHILE…_

"Hey bro, why are you smiling? Is it because of the school Dad picked?" Natsume seemed oblivious to him and kept on thinking of how her face will be like when she loses because he had special people in his team.

_Very _special people indeed. When Natsume finally surfaced to reality, he messes up his sister's hair.

"Mum, Natsume messed up my hair again, not to mention he's acting like a complete weirdo." She ran around the house while he was right behind her and the two guardians of the house laughed at their children's cuteness.

Rei (aka: Persona) rolled his eyes and continued reading his book, curled up in the couch, ignoring his siblings' high-pitched shouting and turned up the volume of his Walkman.

As the night flew by, another event takes place.


	5. Chapter 3: Favourite Enemy

'_When fate binds us together,_

_How is it that we are sure that they're the one?_

_If we were attracted,_

_What is it are we attracted to?_

_How do know if it's the soul?_

_How do know if it's physically?_

_How do know if it's them?'_

**Chapter 3: ****Favourite**** enemy**

It was a weekend, Mikan hates wasting her weekend especially if it involves stepping out from her territory, who knows, someone might burglarize their house anytime soon. Mikan just threw on a pair of elastic jeans that can do splits if used IT had faded bits and black roses with spiraling patterns were embroidered at the side which she did herself and was proud of it still. She wore her favourite striped turtle-necked sleeveless shirt which she bought at Kappa and a sleeveless hoodie jack which reached to her stomach. It had matching butterfly wings at the front with those plastic white gems that reminded her of teardrops. She looked in the mirror, she wore the best clothing, trying to hide her background.

_'I bet Ruka is tired of waiting for me, I better hurry."_ She let her hair flow down her back, it was glossy and slightly curly and she put the finishing touch, by putting a blue butterfly hairpin.

A lean guy was outside leaning on a SUV car and when Mikan called out his name, he snapped out of hid fantasy world and went back into the clouds, smiling like an idiot who had no care in the world and she had to faded jeans that had been custom made just for him and a black T-shirt that brings out the colour of his sky-blue eyes.

Like any gentlemen, Ruka opened the door for Mikan and drove off at the stadium at 50 m/ph. When the joyride ended Mikan slammed the door open, nearly slamming the door to the neighboring car which was a limo. A brush of relief swamped her body and disappeared as she noticed a slight scratch, to be precise; the scratch was roughly the size of a squared basket ball.

'_Oh shit.' _Mikan frantically panicked and ran around to find the owner to apologise before a lawsuit would be made, little did she know the owner was watching her from inside, smirking at the idiotic person.

"Participants of the entertainment competition, please proceed to the stadium. I repeat please proceed to the stadium or else…" Mikan paled and ran on the same spot looking back and forth from the limo to the stadium countless times.

"Oi, Baka team, come now or else I'll drag you into the stadium myself with force."

'_I am so screwed, big, big time. God, please help me.' _Mikan clapped her hands together and bowed countless times; she gulped and ran with the speed of light in four seconds.

The tinted windows of the limo, slowly opens to see a girl with jet-black hair, she was wearing a gothic costume and a cute small hat with a black rose on the side.

This was going to be interesting indeed.

"Here we are, folks. Thank you for coming to the Hyuuga Company's competition: Star Search. We are holding a competition to find musically gifted people. Thank you participants for entering the competition." A man with a perm-like hairdo shouted into the microphone and the speakers started squeaking, it was horrible, everyone was covering their ears and screaming.

I didn't pay any attention, to the commotion. I looked around, anxious to see a mad man or lady coming up to me, with the urge to slap me. Then I saw a figure in white running, towards me, I held my breath. Relief swamped over me when I realised that it was actually…Sora?

"Sorry I'm late; my car broke down and…Mikan! You've changed so much?" I quickly changed my face and laughed with her, hugging her.

"Sorry, for the wait, as I was saying. Here are the contestants…The Star Struck, the Elegance, Sugar Lights and finally…the BAKA TEAM!" wait, that's us right? Who confirmed that?

"And here are the judges: The Owner of the Hyuuga Entertainment Company, Mr. Hyuuga and his son Natsume Hyuuga." A man came running to him with a piece of paper…

I bet I was fuming, he tricked me, us. I can't believe that no good sneaky cat got me into this mess. I swear I thought that for a second there, that Hyuuga-dude just smirked at me…the nerve of him…urgghhh.

"Oh, we seem to have one more judge still missing, ah. There she is, Miss Imai Hotaru, Mr. Hyuuga's Son's Fiancée." My face paled, is she the owner of that limo? I gulped.

"Okay, so the first event we have now is…dancing." The man made a dramatic turn to the curtains behind him, a stage presented that resembled giant steps of those dance-mania games.

"We have three rounds per competition. You start with the score of one-hundred and the first rule is that if you were not in the correct beat and missed any of the notes, your score will be decreased. In this round, it is based on your teamwork and presentation. The team with the lowest points will be eliminated. There will be no theme for the first round but it will need to be something creative to guarantee your success, props will be provided by the Hyuuga Enterprises and if any of the property were damaged, the group will pay dearly. The winning group of the competition will be featuring in an advertisement for the new dancing show, owned by the Hyuuga Enterprises. The winning team will also participate the first season of 'Star Dancers'." Natsume spoke in that awfully low voice. Is he trying to seduce the girls? Get real, then I noticed him looking at something, someone.

Sora seemed to be swooning and her mouth seemed to gape at that devil, I looked around for anyone else and everyone swooned as well. Dang it, how did he know…?

After that was cleared, everyone, including the participants had a break. There were lots of groups with matching clothing, in fact all the groups (excluding us). I noticed a lot of them were doing splits. I gulped. Surely, we will lose this round and I will have to sit near the trash bin. No, I shouldn't worry, I'm wasting my time. Get yourself together Mikan.

I slapped my cheeks to wake up my brain, thinking of a plan. What will we do?

"Yo, Mikan you need to eat. Stop worrying and have something to eat so we can think properly." Sora still seemed in a daze, sighing at a corner.

I couldn't stop thinking when finally I saw an idea come up like a flashing light bulb but it will risk my money and the misery level of my life.

"Hello, Mikan, Mikan? Earth to Mikan." Ruka swayed his left to right with his right hand in front of Mikan's face out of confusion.

"Hey, stop it. Hurry come together, come, come! Before I lose the idea, quick!" Ruka drags Sora and they started to discuss the plan.

"Brilliant, that's just what we need." Ruka exclaims, leaving Mikan blushing in modesty and Sora…well, let's just say that she didn't care more or less.


	6. Short Story: Thank you PART I

**Short Story: Thank you.**

**PART I**

I wondered; will I ever find a true friend; will I ever be true of what I show on the surface? Will this façade stop? Do they think I'm an idiot? Do they think I have this perfect life and I'm perfect? Well, think again. I ask myself why am I like this and asked myself if it will be like this forever.

Family: I feel like I'm distant from them even when we laugh a lot. I don't trust the people in my my household because my Mother loves to gossip, my sister will probably tell my Mother, my Father will probably tell my Mother and my big brother is not that close to me, at all. I'm happiest when I'm only with the kittens.

Friends: I can't make myself break up with '_her_' and she's using me is what I feel. Besides _her, _no one else is a close friend.

Love life: Hopeless, utterly hopeless.

Overall: I'm suffocating, I want to share and laughing heartily like any teenage girl.

I love art, I want to express my feelings into that art; pour my soul into it even when I'm not that good at it. I could only do observing and abstract kind of art, I envy those that can draw their feelings flawlessly. I'm homesick, how would you draw that? I'm suffocating, how would you draw that? What colour would you use? I'm listening.

I walked small slow steps towards my next class; Science, when all of a sudden I felt someone big hug me from behind, she head-locked me towards an empty classroom, a room I've never been to.

"Am I in trouble Miss?" my home room teacher looked at me worriedly even when I said those words so calmly and trembled just a little bit, I'm scared; what will she ask me?

"No, I just want to talk to you. Mikan, are you okay?" I knew that it was coming, I just knew it. I shook my head, with my eyes beginning to feel a bit teary.

"Mikan, please, I beg of you, please tell me." She kneeled down while I sat on a chair, I shook my head again, still with teary eyes.

"Nothing." I was surprised that my voice came out as a choke, a sign of weakness.

"Mikan, I never saw you approach anyone throughout this whole year, is anything wrong?" I felt a single tear slide down.

She gave me this bear hug I never got until now, I wonder if this is how family is suppose to feel like.

"Nothing." I shook my head numerous times.

"So you're telling me there is nothing wrong, while crying here." I received another hug, I cried more but silently, it was hard to breathe because I tried to keep my breathing quiet and steady.

I stayed silent, she looked at me.

"Please, tell me. I'm begging you." I shook my head.

"Please, I can't stand it. Please tell me." She held my hand and I finally gave in.

"Nothing's wrong, it's just that. Lilia has Dina while Tina, Amanda and Sue have each other. I'm scared that they hate me but it's okay." My voice was slightly croaky and blunt from my blocked nose but I still wiped furiously with my sleeves which turned a darker shade of blue.

"No, honey. It's not. You don't deserve to live like this." I looked at her, wondering if it was true.


End file.
